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blood__junkie
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read my profile
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Name: -Ry/\n-
Location: Statesville, North Carolina, United States
Gender: Male
Interests: Cognitive thoughts of psychological obfuscation remain relentless as fraudulent guises are grievously embedded in despondently sophisticated pacifications of contorted humane desires.
Expertise: We are the voices of the wandering wind, which moan for rest and rest can never find; as the wind is so is mortal life, a moan, a sigh, a sob, a storm, a strife.
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Suicidia Nervosa
Yahoo:  advent_chaotic
Member Since:
10/15/2005
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| I've an hour before I have to head up to work, so I may as well update this thing, but there's not a lot to tell.
This past week has been "one of those weeks." I'm just glad it's over, and I'm one week closer to seeing Claudia again; one month away from her is driving me nuts. I can assure you that, when she gets back, I'm going to pretty much live at her house. Lol.
Anyway, Brandon gets his after nines on the twenty-third, and wants to "double up" one day this month -- him & Kelsey; me & Claudia -- and go out for a while. It sounds good to me, but I'll have to ask the better half. Additionally, Claudia should be coming with me to the beach. <3
Hm. I don't think there's much else. I need to go shopping for clothes. My taste has definitely changed as of late. :O
Anyway, I'll update at a later date with something more meaningful, I suppose.
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| I bought a Motorola Razr today. :3
It's one fine cellphone -- voice recognition, V Cast, a camera and video recorder, MP3 player, a few games, text messaging, and a few other odds and ends.
It makes me happy. <3
The number is 704-883-2187.
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| It
may just be my supressed childish nature, but I am loathe to think
about the end of highschool. Most people find it to be the end of a
long, hard road, and they look forward to what is around the next bend
in their life. It's the point where you think to yourself, "We made
it. We finally made it." You thank those you love for helping to push
you along, and keep you on track; they thank you for the same thing.
It's a milestone in a teenager's life to don his cap and gown, and walk
across that stage, knowing that, when he steps off, he's in the real
world. There're no more safety rails or hands to hold, no more
restarts and redos, and there're no more chances for extra credit to
help you excell farther than those around you; you know that there's a
gigantic world outside, and you're ready -- you're ready to step onto
the horizon, and grab what comes at you. You want it.
I don't.
Finishing highschool, to me, does not mean the end of a
twelve-year-long battle. It means an end to the ties I've made with
those I care most about. It horrifies me to think that there is a
possibility of losing the people that I have come to consider my
family. Without them, I have no idea where I would be. They have
provided me with a shoulder to lean on for support, a place to release
my inner most stress, and they have given me a love that no other
person on this world could ever match. Each and every one of the true friends
I have made over my trip through elementary, middle, and highschool has
become a piece of me, in a sense. I'm nothing without them, and I
finally realize that.
The aspect of growing to my pull potential is one I have dreamt of for
years, but there has always been a nagging feeling beneath it all.
That feeling has only recently surfaced, because of this year: some of
my close friends -- Mark, Perry, Stephen, et cetera -- graduated. I
was proud of them, but, at the same time, I was both angered and
saddened. They were my friends, and they meant so much to me. I fear
that I could lose contact with them.
All in all, I don't ever want to lose them. If it meant giving up my
personal happiness, chances to further myself later in life, the
possibility of going off somewhere for the ideal position on the ideal
staff of the ideal project -- if it meant giving up all of that only to
remain with them, I would. I have never felt this serious about
anything in my short sixteen years of living.
Nick (Sprinkle), Ashley (Gaither), Ethan (McKay), Jarreth (Warren),
Rebecca (Burris), Sarah (Harner), Chase (Gwaltney) -- all of them have
been with me from the beginning of middle school, and while they may
not have considered me close from the start, the feeling of protection
has always been there. Even now with my growing repertoire of friends
-- Elle, Lisa and Jessica, Heather, Ashley, Hannah, Sarah, Gena, Jaee,
Claudia, Kyle (Harvey), Kyle (Watson), Tea Jae, Lauren, Kawoni, Abi,
Michelle, Raymond, Ben, Holly, Amanda, et cetera -- the feeling is
still there. Even more ironically is the fact that those who I have
either detested or simply tolerated I don't want to lose.
That is why tonight I decided that, if you have ever considered me a
friend, our senior year -- 2008 -- we are going to spend at least
a week together, away from everyone else. Even if you have hated me,
tolerated me, or have simply said "Hi" to me in the hallway, without a
second glance, you, too, are invited to this. I'm not going to lose
you all. We'll go away for a week, the beach, out of state, across the
country -- I don't care, as long as we do it. You all mean too much to
me to lose --
-- and you never realize what you've got until it's gone. | | |
| "I
don't know her. I won't pretend to. I won't try and make myself out to
be all knowing, or anything of the sort. She didn't touch me like
everyone else. I was not gifted with knowing this girl, much like the
vast majority of people who've posted in this "book." She left no
lasting impression that I've taken to heart, or anything of the sort.
I
am not writing this to display how much I regret the loss of a life,
but I am not writing this to express my rage for the continued agony
that most carry on.
It
was a travesty, I agree; she was, in my opinion, a beautiful girl. The
loss the world has experienced could be a great one, or a minute one.
Nevertheless, I do feel a slight pang of remorse.
If
there is a loving God residing over this earth -- despite my belief
otherwise -- she's in a much better place than this, and while that
sounds cliche, a loving God would not allow someone who had to suffer
the loss of their life at the hands of an unjust man to suffer any
longer.
She's going home, I am sure."
______
I
left that in the Condolence Book on the memorial site for Anna
Svidersky, the girl who was tragically stabbed in Vancouver,
Washington. I posted it, because I felt the need to express the
thoughts that started to bud in my mind; I found it selfish to keep
them locked up. It wasn't a need for self-presentation or to attempt
to do something better than everyone else; in all actuality, there were
posts there that tore at the small shred of a heart I've managed to
maintain throughout my own personal hardships.
Life is a fickle
thing, and it took that momentary feeling of regression to realize just
how badly the loss of a human being can be. While I did not know this
girl, let alone even want to know her, the fact that her death managed
to cause me to think was enough. What if I lose you, or vice versa?
I
try my hardest to show that I am a giant. I do not want to show
weakness, or crack beneath the weight that has been placed on my
shoulders by those around me. It is my job to prove that I am strong
to my friends, family, and those that look up to me. It is not in my
system to display weakness, but it is in my system to display
intelligence and feeling. Try as I might to quell it, it would hurt
beyond my wildest imagination to lose those I am close to. I cannot
even begin to imagine how I would cope with the loss of those I
consider my brothers, my family, or even the people that I detest.
If
I lost people like Nick, Shaun, Ron, Jarreth, CJ, Tex, or anyone I've
even remotely grown attached to over the years -- or even months -- I'd
be losing a piece of myself, and I don't think I can do that again and
again, time after time. I have experienced the death of those I love,
and I've cried my fair share, but it's all been internal; crying
displays a sense of weakness that I cannot risk.
I'm just a kid,
childish and ever-growing. I do not want to lose what I have, but I
know I will eventually. I'm not trying to make you feel as though your
life is greater than it actually is or any less than mine, but I am
trying to get you to think. What if?
Everyone says that they would jump in front of the bullet to save their friend's life, but they don't know
that. In the heat of things, no one knows what they would do. We are
only human, and survival is our prime instinct, but how do you view the
survival of others, especially those you love or even remotely care for?
I didn't know this girl, but I do feel remorse. Be it for her death or those I know will come, it's there.
I'm not weak; I'm just human.
[ For those of you who want to post your own message on her site, it's here: http://www.annasvidersky.net/ ] | | |
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